The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
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A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
he looks great for his age
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?