[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
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Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is