“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
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I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.