Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
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What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Rt to bother an English speaker
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣