My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
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“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
what kind of cook setting is this??