One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
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Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
I know karate and tons of other words.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes