Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
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A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?