Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
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I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them