If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
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[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.