If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
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Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work