pls suprot
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People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again