Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
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Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.