How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
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Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.