Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
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me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.