My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
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spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
estão todos miauvindo?
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.