“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
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Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full