Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
You Might Also Like
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Perfect
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF