This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
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*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Chicago sounds lovely.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues