I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
You Might Also Like
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Kentucky names the shit out of places
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”