What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
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I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
🙂🐾