VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
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If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
these two trucks have the same bed length
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot