Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
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Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Always
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
What the dentist sees
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*