“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
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*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
ouch
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.