Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
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I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
lol
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Good boy 😂😂
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”