Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
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I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Haha good job!!
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)