“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
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Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Note to self: I am a note
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.