They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
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shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
plant them where lol
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore