KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
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gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
You are what you delete.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Spider-cat: No One Home
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you