A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
You Might Also Like
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”