Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
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CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Two types of dogs.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁