Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
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People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]