Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
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Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
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Me: Same
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Danger is very dangerous
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
❤️❤️❤️
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
my dad when a sex scene comes on