Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
You Might Also Like
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!