Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
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I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
This meeting could have been a cake