Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
You Might Also Like
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac