Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
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I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters