Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
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I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
That’s no pocket rocket.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.