Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
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A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.