[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
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Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
The real reason evolution started..😂
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle