Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 馃槀
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In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn鈥檛 notice when I haven鈥檛 moved my mouse in an hour.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won鈥檛 tell me a thing about her, is this what it鈥檚 like to parent a teenager?
Family: What do you want to do for Mother鈥檚 Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother鈥檚 Day, for starters.
The kids are upset we鈥檙e having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we鈥檙e having chicken and peas for dinner.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Only Americans understand
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.