No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
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Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Feels like the fourth month in January
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Care for your back
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.