[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
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Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
The police never think its as funny as you do.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.