From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
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Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Omg 🤣
I like donuts.
Twitter:
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
(yawn)
Straight people are cancelled
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.