[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
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[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
For the ones in the back.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher