Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
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Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
How it started: How it’s going:
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Doing math together is known as fourplay.