The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
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Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
How to make infinite energy.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
when you are just born a rebel
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!