FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
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Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this