If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
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Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.