Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
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my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.