Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
You Might Also Like
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*