Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
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Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture